10 years ago this month, my identity changed forever. Not only have I celebrated Mother’s Day this month, I also celebrated 10 years of my little boy, and therefore 10 years of motherhood.
Becoming a mother for the first time brought feelings I hadn’t anticipated at all. If I’m honest, the experience completely floored me. In those first few days after birth, you are learning how to care for a completely dependent, tiny human while also recovering from labour and birth yourself. At the same time, your body is going through one of the most dramatic hormonal shifts it will ever experience. It’s a lot for any person to process …and yet, so many of us expect to simply “get on with it.”
About a week or two after my son was born, I distinctly remember looking in the mirror and barely recognising the person looking back at me. I didn’t feel like the same person I had been before he arrived. At the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what had changed so profoundly. What I didn’t realise then, but understand deeply now, is that these feelings are incredibly common. I had stepped into an entirely new stage of life, a transition many call matrescence.
Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, the word matrescence is something I’ve only more recently become familiar with, but it perfectly captures what so many mothers experience. It describes the physical, emotional, and psychological transformation that happens as you become a mother. And like all major life transitions, it can feel disorienting, beautiful, overwhelming, and everything in between.
Much like adolescence, matrescence is not a single moment – it’s a process. Your body is healing and recalibrating after pregnancy and birth. Your hormones are shifting dramatically. Your sleep is disrupted. Your priorities change overnight. And alongside all of that, there’s a quiet but powerful reshaping of identity happening beneath the surface.
In hypnobirthing, we often spend time preparing for birth itself – learning how the body works, how to stay calm, how to feel empowered. But what I’ve come to appreciate over the years is how important it is to also prepare for what comes after birth. Because birth is not just the arrival of a baby, it’s also the birth of a mother.
Matrescence can bring immense joy, love, and connection. That overwhelming rush of love people talk about? For some it’s instant, for others it grows gradually and both are completely valid. Alongside that love, there can also be moments of doubt, vulnerability, and even grief for the person you once were. These feelings can coexist, and acknowledging them without judgement is an important part of the journey.
Understanding matrescence can be incredibly reassuring. When you know that these shifts are not a sign that something is “wrong,” but rather a natural and expected transition, it can lift a huge weight. It gives you permission to be gentle with yourself. To rest. To feel. To adjust at your own pace.
Looking back now, I wish I had known this term during those early days. I wish I had understood that it was okay to feel unlike myself for a while – that I wasn’t lost, but evolving. That the uncertainty I felt wasn’t failure, but transformation.
One resource that beautifully explores this transition is Matrescence by Lucy Jones. Her writing reflects both personal experience and research, shedding light on the many layers of becoming a mother. I found her words deeply reassuring, helping me to reframe my own early experiences with more compassion and understanding. It’s a book I often recommend to new mums who are finding their way and beginning to shape their new identity.
Ten years on, I can see just how much that initial transformation has continued to evolve. Motherhood didn’t just change me once; it continues to shape me in ways I could never have imagined. And perhaps that’s one of the most important things to remember: matrescence doesn’t have a fixed timeline. It unfolds over months and years, as you grow alongside your child/children.
So if you are in those early days, or preparing to meet your baby soon, know this: it’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay if you don’t feel like yourself right away. You are not alone, and you are not failing. You are in the midst of one of the most profound transitions life has to offer.
And just like birth itself, it deserves to be approached with understanding, support, and care.
I’m Demelza.
I am a mum to 2 energetic children, an antenatal educator and former primary school teacher. I teach pregnancy relaxation classes and hypnobirthing antenatal courses to pregnant mums and their birth partners in North Cornwall and West Devon. Birth preparation courses are also available online. Explore my website to find out more about the services I offer, or get in touch if you have any questions. I would love to support you in your preparation for a gentle and positive labour and birth.
